Che Guevera visits Bombay

This is what happened when Che Guevera visited Bombay.

He was first greeted by a Gujarati officer at the immigration counter. The Gujarati, for some reason, thought aapro Ernsto looked Gujju. So he started off -

GO: Jai Sri Krishna
CG: (silent)
GO: What your name? naam su che?
CG: Che
GO: Su che?
CG: Che
GO: Are baba naam su che???? What is name?
CG: Che Guevara?
GO: Che Guevara? Naam Guevara Che?
CG: No No, first Che
GO: Line maa first hi che (The officer assures Che he is first in line). Naam su che?
CG: Che

Gujarati officer gets a bit weary of this all, and notices he is due for a coffee break. He gestures to the next window and CG goes there. This is a Maharashtrian officer who thinks Guevara looks very Marathi. Meanwhile a co-traveller tells Che that "che" in Gujarati is a form of the verb "to be". So he should say "che" twice when he tells his name.

MO: Haan, naav saanga. Name?
CG: Che che
MO: Che che? Aaho naav saanga na.
CG: Che che
MO: Arre? Mee kaay chaha vichaartoy ka tumhala? che che mhantaay te? naav saanga.
CG: Che che.... Guevara
MO: aaho vara kuthla? ani kasli guha? naav sangta ki nahi? Tell name.
CG: Che che

The Marathi officer feels a slight throbbing in his head. He decides to take an early break and directs him to another officer. This one is from Delhi and speaks only Hindi. Needless to say, he thinks Guevara too is from the land where Hindi is spoken. By now Guevara has realised that saying his name twice caused more problems than saying it once. He decides to say it with a bit of affection to ensure cooperation.

HO: Haanji, kaun ho aap?
CG: (affectionately) Che
HO: Che? Aap to akele ho. Baaki kahan hai?
CG: (getting more affectionate) Che
HO: Arre baaprey! Woh waala che? Beech ka?
CG: (deciding that saying his name twice again might help) Che che
HO: (feeling distinctly homophobic) Dugna Che? Baaprey!

He too decides to take a premature coffee break, and now the immigration counter is without any officers. Che Guevara decides that a country where people can't go beyond his name, is probably not one where he can run his revolution-type-business. He does an about turn, and goes back to Cuba.

Label Instructions

These are true - I have seen some of them myself


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

And my personal Favourite :
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

Women are like...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have towait
for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.
>
>Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been
>picked!
>
>Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
>women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
>acceptable to have dinner with.

1000 Dollars and 3 Eggs

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a
dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After
10 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She
peeks inside and sees 3 eggs and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every
time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the drawer." She figures 3
times in 10 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied
"Whenever I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."

Role Descriptions of people in a IT Project

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks a single woman cannot deliver a baby in nine months.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is one who knows that it takes a man, a woman & nine months to deliver a baby, But expects otherwise.

5) Marketing manager is a person who thinks I can deliver a child whether a man and woman is available or not.

6) Resource optimisation team thinks I don't want man or woman, I'll still produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation team will think I don't care how a child is delivered, I'll just document 9 months.

8) QA Auditor is the only person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce baby.

Sharafat

Matrimonial Adverts

Some are too funny to be true, but keep reading.

- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single I don't have

Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a
good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u
welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or
send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~

i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa
state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework



(Homework?)

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She
may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the
entire life can run smoothly. thank you


(The principle of running life smoothly was never so
easy!)

She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have
one brother and one sister. She should be educated.


(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I
love to make
friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on
........ hold my hand forever !!!


(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow I
amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot


(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi
as in KSBKBT......


(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too
much, ain't he?)

i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house
but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our
cast

(by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE
1.THEY MUST
BELIEVE IN
GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT
GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.


(all of us are loughing)

whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be

someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this
she would bde called the lady of the lamp


(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone
tell me what this guy
wants)

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i
love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok


(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is
suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE
T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1
CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK


(the "ok syndrome" again)

iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater &
mother sister complity marred


(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married
'completely'?)


iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and
parent. I am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at
kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.


(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes


(height of desperation! J )

I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she
havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. I
Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are
beautiful. But iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom

say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam
''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.


(uttama purushan)

iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he
was marred.


(No comments)

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.


(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life
happily.i
divorced my first
wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste
accepted ..


(but credit cards not accepted..???)

my colour is black,but my heart is
white.i like social service

(Zebra..???)

i'm looking out for who lives in bombay,
girl simple who trust me lot
should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.


(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

to be married on jan-2005. working woman preferable


(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a
bride. I wish
him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get
one soon.)

i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure.
Because girl is the mahalakshmi.


(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd
company which not
paying salary at present.


(Any takers again?)

Indian Hell

Disclaimer : Its Just a Joke , so dont come back to me saying "You should not post anti-India jokes"

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks,
"What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric
chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another
hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line
of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in?" Because maintenance is so bad that the
electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from
the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs
the register and then goes to the canteen..."

MunnaBhai MBBS Jokes

Munna Bhai M.B.B.S on Practice

Munna Bhai nay pehlay din office khola to bara khush tha. Us ki
secertary nay bataya k bahar aik aadmi aaya hai. Munna bara khush hua
aur usay andar aanay k liye kaha. Us k andar aanay say pehlay Munna
nay socha k us par impression dalna chahiye aur phone utha k batien
karnay laga.

"Haan Haan! 500 rupay fees hai, apun 10 baje tak betha hai idher, is
say late nahi karnay ka, apun bahut busy hai".

Us k baad us nay phone rakha aur aanay walay say poocha "Beth na
Maamoon, apun teray liye kya kar sakta hai?"

Man: Mien phone sahi karnay aaya hoon.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Munna: Meray paas aik buri khabar hai, aur aik buhat hi buri khabar
hai teray wastay.

Patient: Acha to pehlay buri khabar suna daal.

Munna: Apun k paas jo teri report pahunchi us mien likha tha k teray
paas sirf 24 ghantay hain zinda rehnay k liye.

Patient: Sirf 24 ghantay. is say buri khabar kya ho sakti hai.

Munna: (Jadu ki Japhhi Dalte Hoauy) Mien kal say teray tak pahunchnay
ki koshish kar raha hoon.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Munna: Abay Circuit! Jaa baajo walay ghar say Doctor ko bula k laa,
meri tabiat kharab ho reli hai.

Circuit: Aey Bhai ! aap to khud doctor ho.

Munna: Bolay to meri fees buhat zyada hai.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Munna: Bolay to Apun ko tera operation dobara karna paray ga. Kyun k
apun kay rubber k gloves teray andar hi reh gaye hain.

Patient: Agar yeh baat hai to mujhay jaanay do. Mien tumharay gloves
ki payment kar doon ga.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Munna: Bolay to darad kahan hai aapko.

Patient (F): Pooray badan mien hai

Munna: Yeh kaisay ho sakta hai ray, kuch detail batao.

Patient: Tocuhes her right knee and says here, then touches her
earlobe and says here, then touches her left cheek and says here, etc.

Munna: Aesay hi khaali peeli tension de reli hai, teri finger mien dard hai.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Patient: Doctor aap ko yakeen hai k mujhay Namoonia (pneumonia) hai,
kyun k pichlay dino aik doctor meri friend ka Namoonia ka ilaaj karta
raha aur woh Typhoid say mar gayi.

Munna: Haan ray meray ko akha yaqeen hai, tu namoonia say hi maray ga.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Aik patient Munnabhai k paas aaya, Munna nay us ka chekup kiya aur bola

Munna: Tumharay pass ziyada waqt nahi hai

Patient: Meray pass kitna time hai.

Munna: Dus (10)

Patient: Kya Dus.... Minute..... Ghantay.......... Din......?

Munna: No (9), Aath (8), Saat (7),.......


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Raat ka time jab Munna aur chinkie apnay bed room mien so rahay thay
to phone ki ghanti baji.

Voice: Aray Doctor sahab jaldi aayeay! Meray betay nay blade kha liya hai

Munna abhi jaanay k liye tayyar hi hota k dobara phone aata hai.

Voice: Doctor Sahab! Ab aanay ki koi zaroorat nahi, meray husband ko
shave k liye doosra blade mil gaya hai.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Aanand jab end mien bachon ko story sunata hai to bolta hai;

Aanand: "Munna nay kaha tha k woh mujhay aik month mien meray feet pay
khara kar de ga"

Bachay: Phir?

Aanand: "Phir kya, mujhay us ka bill pay karnay k liye apni car bechna pari."


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Munna: Apna munn kholo.....

Patient opens his mouth: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa..........

Munna throughs his torch light in his mouth: Hmmmmmmm..... Torch sahi hai.


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Chinkie: Tum hamaisha clinic mien apnay saath meri photo bhi kyun le jaatay ho.

Munna: Apun ko jab bhi koi mushkil aati hai, apun tumhari pic dekh
leta hoon aur woh prob. solve ho jaati hai.

Chinkie: Dekha! Mien tumharay liye kitni achi aur powerful hoon.

Munna: Haan! Apun teri pic dekhta hai aur apnay aap say bolta hai "Is
say bari bhi koi problem ho sakti hai bhala."


⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆


Munna: Teray ko maaloom hai k cigarette aik tarah say slow poison ka
kaam karta hai.

Patient: To mujhay konsa marnay ki jaldi hai.

KBC Jokes

Joke 1) Santa Banega Karodpati - Complete version

We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hot seat.
(He pressed the buttons by accident and managed to qualify)
AB : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here with us.
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh.
Chak denge phatte aj. Tusi start karo ji.

AB: To aap apne pitaji ke saath aaye hai, kya naam hai aapke pitaji ka?"
Santa: "Hai Jee?"
AB: "Kya naam hai aapke pitaji kaa?"
Santa: "Are sir jee, kam se kam char options to do..."
AB: "ufff.., ok.., leave it. Lets proceed with the game"

AB : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000
Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are
A. Punjab
B. Punjab
C. Punjab
D. Punjab
Santa : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question

AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time
Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like
to use my lifeline.

AB : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use.
Santa : Audience poll

AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time
starts now.
After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.
A. 25%
B. 25%
C. 25%
D. 25%

AB : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your
disgust here.
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki
audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.

AB : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK
computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein
chodoonga nahi aaj isko.
Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.

AB : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of
using all the lifelines in the very first question.
This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap.
Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.

AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye.
Phone rings. Banta picks it ' Hulloooooo, kon hai oye
adi raati,???'

AB : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke
Kaun Banega Crorepati se.
Banta : ahhhooooooo, Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to
mein #!@#$%&#@##%#& kar deta, kher, Ki hal chal he sar ji.

AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap
apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe
hain mere saath
aur.................
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gaya hoga,
khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.

AB : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............. chaliye mein aapko
special case karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai
aab.
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??
Banta : oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere
dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen
gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap laye ga.

AB : Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai
..................... (he tells him the question).
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par
iska answer mujhe aata hai.
Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe . Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.
Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).

AB : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka
confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh
to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.
And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died laughing...

Joke 2) Amrish Puri At KBC

Amrish Puri : Sahi jawab !

Mogambo khush hua !

Joke 3) Shatrughan Sinha At KBC

Shatrughan Sinha : Khamosh !

Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.

Joke 4) Laalu Prasad Yadav and Family At KBC

One day Laloo appeared on KBC(Kaun Banega Crorepathy) with him he
brought his entire family.
First question : One One?
Laloo thinking : uses all lifelines and answers three
Amitji : Sorry Laloo wrong jawaab
groans from laloo`s family : give him one more chance give him one more chance
Amitji feeling sorry for distraught laloo, decides to give him another go
so he asks Laloo : three two?
Lalloo answers :six
Amitji cannot believe it, but because Laloo`s family begs for him to
give Laloo another chance, he does
Amitji : Laloo last chance, three three?
Lalloo sweating answers six
Amitji is silent, suddenly there is a roar from laloo`s family: give
him one more chance, give him one more chance...

Joke 5) Amitabh Bachchan Ki ABCL Ko Lock Kiya Jaye

Amitabh is questioning a guy on KBC.
He asks him 'Meri company ka naam kya hain?'
Options : TISCO, Wipro, ABCL, Reliance.
The guys says 'ABCL'
Amitabh asks 'Sure, confident?'
The guys says ' yes confident'
Amitabh says 'Computerji ABCL ko tala laga do'
The computer replies 'Abe gadhe ABCL ko 2 saal se tala laga hua hai !'

Joke 6) 5 Sawaal aur 10,000 Jeeto

Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15
jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke
liye aapka pehla sawaal:
Who is India's Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D:
Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus
hazaar nikaal!

Joke 7) Phone a Friend

Santa Singh after reaching 13th question:

Amitabh: apka 13th question 25 lakh yeh raha apke samne...
Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.
Amitabh: Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan Computer Screen:
A. Amitabh Bachchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. Mohd. Azhar D. General Perverz Musharaff.
Amitabh: Apka kya jawab hai? (He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)
But Santa is still confused.
Amitabh: Apke pas do life line hai... (50:50 and phone a friend)
Santa: I think it is A but am not sure.
Amitabh: Not sure... Hmmm Ap kya karna chahenge?
Santa: I would like to use 50:50?
Amitabh: Ok computer, 2 galat javabo ko mita de...
Computer:
B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Moh. Azhar.
Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made
this mistake but as is said in bollywood the show must go on. Now
Santa is confused.
Santa: I would like to use the last lifeline phone a friend...
Amitabh: Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?
Santa: Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...

Joke 8) Nana Patekar as anchor of KBC

Nana Patekar : Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana
dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.

Joke 9) 15th Question will make you...

Amithab: If You tell the correct answer of 15th question; You will
become a Crorepati.
Santa: Oh! Then You ask the 15th question directly now.

Joke 10) Mithun as anchor of KBC

Mithun Chakraborty : Eaeeeeeh ! Tu audience poll karega ?
Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai ? Time nahin hai.

Joke 11) Ashok Kumar as anchor of KBC

Ashok Kumar : To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke
Ramesh Kumar ( gasp ), yahan se Rs. 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ).

Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).

Joke 12) Keshto Mukherji as anchor of KBC

Kesto Mukherji : Hee-heek. Heek-yeaaaiiiiiik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do
dikh rahela hai. Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye ?
Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

Joke 13) Gabbar Singh as anchor of KBC

Amjad Khan : Kitne options the ?

Chaar ?? Soover ke bachchon !

Chaar chaar options !

Bahut na-insaafi hai !

Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin !

50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye.

Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?

Joke 14) Armaan

Amitabh Bachchan - Aap kisko lekar ghumne jaana pasand karenge, crore
rupiya jeetne ke baad?

Contestant - Aishwarya Rai Ko.

A.B - Arre bhai hamara bhi yeh armaan hai.

Contestant - Koi baat nahin, main Jaya ji se kaam chala loonga.

Joke 15) Drunkard

Ramesh: A drunkard won 25 lakhs in Crorepati (KBC)
Suresh: So, We call him, 'Quarter-pati'

Joke 16) Dharmendra as anchor of KBC

Dharmendra : Galat jawab !

Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.

You make the choice

>My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?
>
>At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children,
>the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be
>forgotten by all who attended.
>
>After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.
>
>"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is
>done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other
>children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the
>natural order of things in my son?"
>
>The audience was stilled by the query.
>
>The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the
>world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it
>comes, in the way other people treat that child."
>
>Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park
>where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
>
>Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
>
>Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on
>their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to
>play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father
>approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.
>
>The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into
>his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the
>eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to
>bat in the ninth inning."
>
>In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was
>still behind by three.
>
>In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the
>outfield.
>
>Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in
>the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to
>him from the stands.
>
>In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two
>outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay
>was scheduled to be next at bat.
>
>At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
>
>Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but
>impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much
>less connect with the ball.
>
>However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps
>to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
>
>The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again
>took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
>
>As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball
>right back to the pitcher.
>
>The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the
>ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been
>the end of the game.
>
>Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high
>arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.
>
>Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
>
>Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the
>baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
>
>Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"
>
>By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.
>
>He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he
>understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high
>and far over the third-baseman's head.
>
>Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled
>the bases toward home.
>
>Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in
>the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"
>
>As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run
>home!"
>
>Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit
>the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
>
>"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
>"the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity
>into this world."
>
>AND, NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes
>through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending
>messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing.
>
>The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but
>public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and
>workplaces.
>
>If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're
>probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the
>"appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. *
>
>*Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a
>difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help
>realize the "natural order of things."

Help Desk

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

******

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

******

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates!

******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've
even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

******

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.

******

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.

******

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work!

******

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend put a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears!

Golden Rules for Career Success

WORKING as a business consultant all over the world, I have discovered some basic career-related rules that everyone should know-but many don't.

1.. Business is made up of ambiguous victories and
2.. nebulous defeats. Claim them all as victories.
3.. Keep track of what you do; someone is sure to ask.
4.. Be comfortable around senior managers, or learn to fake it.
5.. Never bring your boss a problem without some solution.
6.. You are getting paid to think, not to whine.
7.. Long hours don't mean anything; results count, not effort.
8.. Write down ideas; they get lost, like good pens.
9.. Always arrive at work 30 minutes before your boss.
10.. Help other people network for jobs. You never know when your turn will come.
11.. Don't take days off sick-unless you are.
12.. Assume no one can/will keep a secret.
13.. Know when you do your best-morning, night, under pressure, relaxed; schedule and prioritize your work accordingly.
14.. Treat everyone who works in the organization with respect and dignity, whether it be the cleaner or the managing director. Don't ever be patronizing.
15.. Never appear stressed in front of a client, a customer or your boss. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: In the course of human events, how important is this?
16.. If you get the entrepreneurial urge, visit someone who has his own business. It may cure you.
17.. Acknowledging someone else's contribution will repay you doubly.
18.. Career planning is an oxymoron. The most exciting opportunities tend to be unplanned.
19.. Always choose to do what you'll remember ten years from now.
20.. The size of your office is not as important as the size of your pay cheque.
21.. Understand what finished work looks like and deliver your work only when it is finished.
22.. The person who spends all of his or her time is not hard-working; he or she is boring.
23.. Know how to write business letters-including thank-you notes as well as proposals.
24.. Never confuse a memo with reality. Most memos from the top are political fantasy.
25.. Eliminate guilt. Don't fiddle expenses, taxes or benefits, and don't cheat colleagues.
26.. Reorganizations mean that someone will lose his or her job. Get on the committee that will make therecommendations.
27.. Job security does not exist.
28.. Always have an answer to the question, "What would I do if I lost my job tomorrow?"
29.. Go to the company Christmas party.
30.. Don't get drunk at the company Christmas party.
31.. Avoid working at weekends. Work longer during the week if you have to.
32.. The most successful people in business are interesting.
33.. Sometimes you'll be on a winning streak and everything will click; take maximum advantage. When the opposite is true, hold steady and wait it out.
34.. Never in your life say, "It's not my job."
35.. Be loyal to your career, your interests and yourself.
36.. Understand the skills and abilities that set you apart. Use them whenever you have an opportunity.
37.. People remember the end of the project. As they say in boxing, "Always finish stronger than you start."















1. Audit Your Company Cultures
"Companies don't have one culture. They have as many as they have supervisors or managers. You want to build a strong culture? Hold every manager accountable for the culture that he or she builds."
--Marcus Buckingham , coauthor of First, Break All the Rules and Now, Discover Your Strengths

2. Informed People Don't Fear Change
"People are not afraid of change. They fear the unknown."
--Dick Brown , chairman and CEO of EDS

3. Beware "Aspirational Accounting"
"Enron has changed things significantly. You used to be able to buy a company, account for it in bizarre ways, and make money on the sale. That world is over."
--Nolan Bushnell , founder, chairman, and CEO of uWink Inc.

4. Empower Your People -- Turn Them Loose
"Freedom is the greatest when the ground rules are clear. Chalk out the playing field and say, Within those lines, make any decisions you need."
--Dick Brown , chairman and CEO of EDS

5. Prevent Erosion of Human Assets
"We are systematically depreciating our human capital. For most people, the first year with the company is the best. It's downhill from there."
--Marcus Buckingham , coauthor of First, Break All the Rules and Now, Discover Your Strengths

6. Be Generous With What You Know
"Knowledge sharing is the basis of everything. Share knowledge with reckless abandon."
--Tim Sanders , chief solutions officer at Yahoo

7. Expand Your Roster
"Think of your team as not just the people you pay, but as the people who pay you as well."
--Feargal Quinn , executive chairman of Superquinn

8. Don't Judge a Man by the Size of His Wallet
"The only thing wrong with poor people is that they don't have any money. That's a curable condition."
--Bill Strickland , president and CEO of the Manchester Craftsmen's Guild and the Bidwell Training Center

9. Harness Your Skills for Good
"Technology has enormous potential to facilitate public-health problem solving. Marcus Welby needs you guys."
--Dr. Irwin Redlener , president and cofounder of the Children's Health Fund and president of the Children's Hospital at Montefiore

10. Groom Your People for Success
"Weakness fixing might prevent failure, but strength building leads to excellence. Focus on strength, and manage around weaknesses."
--Marcus Buckingham , coauthor of First, Break All the Rules and Now, Discover Your Strengths

11. Promote Brand Awareness Throughout Your Enterprise
"Everybody throughout the enterprise should know what the brand can and cannot do. There's an imperative for education."
--Jim Goodwin, vice president of marketing at the Absolut Spirits Co.

12. Embrace Imperfection -- Fast!
"Beware of perfect people. They will never propel your enterprise to greatness. They're too cautious. You've got to be fast to be good."
--Dick Brown , chairman and CEO of EDS

13. Don't Let the Venture Capitalists Get You Down
"Revolutionary change is where real value is created. Don't assume the capital markets know what the hell they're doing. The VC market is currently in more disarray than most companies."
--Nolan Bushnell , founder, chairman, and CEO of uWink Inc.

14. Allow Yourself to Dream
"Dreams are maps. The ability to think about the future is what drives us all to attain."
--Dr. Irwin Redlener , president and cofounder of the Children's Health Fund and president of the Children's Hospital at Montefiore

15. Increase Your Net Worth
"Networking is sharing your contacts with others to create value without the expectation of compensation. Your network is your net worth."
--Tim Sanders , chief solutions officer at Yahoo

16. Use Every Teachable Moment
"Every time you give somebody compensation, it's a great time to give feedback."
--Dick Brown , chairman and CEO of EDS

17. Shine Some Hope
"If you want to work with people who have no hope, you have to look like the solution and not the problem."
--Bill Strickland , president and CEO of the Manchester Craftsmen's Guild and the Bidwell Training Center

18. Set a New Standard of Performance
"We need to get beyond the single bottom line and measure a company's performance by a triple bottom line. Financial profits alone aren't enough. The results also need to be good for people and for the environment."
--Scott Bedbury , CEO of Brandstream

19. Laugh at Yourself
"Just when you think the sun shines out of your butt, all you have is an illuminated landing area."
--Nolan Bushnell , founder, chairman, and CEO of uWink Inc.

20. Get Up, Stand Up
"YCDBSOYA: You can't do business sitting on your armchair."
--Feargal Quinn , executive chairman of Superquinn

21. Stop Whining -- Start Seeking
"In these times, it's important to find the opportunities in the disruptions rather than just to lament the change."
--Rob Glaser , chairman and CEO of RealNetworks Inc.

22. Leaders: Move It or Lose It
"Managers consistently delude themselves about how much good they're doing. The oath for managers should be the same as physicians: First do no harm. "
--Robert Sutton , professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University

23. Be Honest
"The same thing you want from management is what customers want from you: honest communication. Be honest with your customers; tell them everything you know."
--Bonnie Reitz , vice president of sales and distribution at Continental Airlines

24. Don't Stretch This Rule
"When you start thinking about growing your brand, be sure not to ignore the Spandex rule: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."
--Scott Bedbury , CEO of Brandstream

25. What's Your Bottom Line?
"People over 65 were asked, 'If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?' They said three things: 'I'd take time to stop and ask the big questions. I'd be more courageous and take more risks in work and love. I'd try to live with purpose -- to make a difference.' You don't have to be an elder to ask, What's my own bottom line?"
--Richard Leider , founding partner of the Inventure Group

Questions in IAS

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand,what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half.


Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid

Q: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?
A: Nag did not punch me

Q:now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi? Come on..
A: I punched the Nag.

Q:Chintu's mom has three sons.What is the name of the other two?
A:Chin-1 & Chin-3